Hey there, people, here's a blog/rant/crazy thing about new areas in my life.
New people, lots and lots of new people.
And along with them come new adventures.
New friendships.
I have met a ton of new people this year and it amazes me how much more exciting my life is.
I'll be even more excited when school pulls back around again, and I will meet even more people.
I'm a people person, I love people. I love the different personalities of people, their humors, problems, lives. I love listening to people tell stories, jokes, and I like listening to them talk about people of THEIR past.
So I love old people, too, hehe.
I like to watch people. It's so interesting. I like to sit back and see how they handle situations. I like watching drunk people get jiggy at Joan Jett concerts.
And people who wear chaps and start dancing in public. I like watching people do stupid things and I like those amazing people who do amazing things.
I love people.
So, I meet people who make me feel different things. I met people who make me feel smart because they talk to me like I'm smart, not childish. I met people who make me feel special because they pay special attention to me. I met people who make me feel comfortable and let me be myself around them without judgment. And I've met people who make me feel loved because the voice their appreciation of my love towards them.
People aren't hopeless, just sometimes misguided. Try no to miss your opportunity to make other people feel better than just people.
Lay your heart out for someone and they just may lay theirs out for you.
Jess
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Friday, July 6, 2007
Conversion.
Conversion
--------------------------
my throats closing up,
can't breathe.
the walls are closing in on me,
can't breathe.
the lights are starting to dim and flicker,
can't breathe.
my body's feeling lethargic,
can't breathe.
there's an invisible hand squeezing my heart,
can't breathe.
and i think it's ceasing to beat,
can't breathe.
there's a roaring in my head,
can't breathe.
and something's been let free,
gasping for air.
eyes are turning fire and ice,
finally the air comes in and out.
now my heart's beating rapidly,
i can see.
the lights go so bright, i'm nearly blinded,
it's free.
the colors all are extraordinary,
nothing I've ever seen.
stars and colors whirl behind my eyes,
what's happening?
under my skin feels itchy,
i want to tear it off.
my skin is heating,
nearly like fire.
I'm sweating and then I'm freezing,
my muscles are clenching wildly.
My stomach's bubbling inside,
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
I'm doubling over, contorting,
while my insides are wrenching.
My back arches and then I fall back,
something's different.
one last feeling,
a tearing inside my body.
it feels like my organs are on fire,
then re-shaped and my forehead is dotted with ruby-colored sweat.
that's the last thing i fell before my heart stops beating,
my blood flow halts.
I sleep like the dead.
[Welcome to the world of all those female human psychics who were converted successfully into stunning Carpathian women.
It takes three blood exchange between lifemates and those beautiful binding words.]
Jess
--------------------------
my throats closing up,
can't breathe.
the walls are closing in on me,
can't breathe.
the lights are starting to dim and flicker,
can't breathe.
my body's feeling lethargic,
can't breathe.
there's an invisible hand squeezing my heart,
can't breathe.
and i think it's ceasing to beat,
can't breathe.
there's a roaring in my head,
can't breathe.
and something's been let free,
gasping for air.
eyes are turning fire and ice,
finally the air comes in and out.
now my heart's beating rapidly,
i can see.
the lights go so bright, i'm nearly blinded,
it's free.
the colors all are extraordinary,
nothing I've ever seen.
stars and colors whirl behind my eyes,
what's happening?
under my skin feels itchy,
i want to tear it off.
my skin is heating,
nearly like fire.
I'm sweating and then I'm freezing,
my muscles are clenching wildly.
My stomach's bubbling inside,
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
I'm doubling over, contorting,
while my insides are wrenching.
My back arches and then I fall back,
something's different.
one last feeling,
a tearing inside my body.
it feels like my organs are on fire,
then re-shaped and my forehead is dotted with ruby-colored sweat.
that's the last thing i fell before my heart stops beating,
my blood flow halts.
I sleep like the dead.
[Welcome to the world of all those female human psychics who were converted successfully into stunning Carpathian women.
It takes three blood exchange between lifemates and those beautiful binding words.]
Jess
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Some old Poems. (Continued)
[Wandering Stranger] February 24th, 2007
Oh My thoughts, deceive me...
Oh how they won't relieve me...
The only thing I thought was mine,
slipped through my fingers with passing time...
The feelings I felt were such a shame...
And i couldn't even think the name...
I turned my back on all I felt...
In these moments, my morals melt...
I fell into a dark state of mind...
And all of me was hate, not kind...
And no one tried to understand...
And no one offered to hold my hand...
Isolated, but looked upon...
On display and judged right on...
No one else can help this pain...
so more of it I began to gain...
And then one day it just all went numb...
and my roar became a sweet, low hum...
The pain was there, just underneath...
And i wasn't willing to unsheathe...
Now lost and confused without reason...
Different feelings like the changing seasons...
Still no one stood among the crowd,
that I thought would hear me loud...
All my cries for help...
And in my loneliness, I just wept and knelt...
Finally with no last hope...
A wandering stranger gripped my rope...
He took me into his welcoming refuge...
And he helped me mend my many wounds...
The first sign of care that I had known...
And in his face, it had shown...
With all of this, I had learned to deal with my past...
And with this friend, I had loved at last....
What a man to lend a hand...
To someone too weak to stand...
This is the love we all should give...
To anyone who needs it,
This is how we should live.
My wandering stranger, thank you.
You knew I could love again.
And you're the one it all goes to,
and from you, I receive mine.
----------------------------------------------------------
And who may I ask, is my remedy?
The people who hold my hand.
The ones who understand.
All those who advise,
And give me a reason to be alive.
My friends are more than friends.
My friends I can't describe.
They aren't just trends,
They are more, friends for life.
My friends, I won't let down.
My friends I stay behind.
My friends, stay around,
My friends, I'm always beside.
I love you all and you know it.
I won't leave or desert you,
and even if I don't show it,
I couldn't live without you.
---------------------------------------------------------
My life's shattering...
Let the whole world know..
I've got nothing...
Just nothing..
It's all said and it's all done..
Should have knew it wouldn't last..
I just went along for the run...
Trying to make it last...
I guess we cant force our fates..
And I guess sometimes things don't fit...
Should have known about these people...
They never let you live.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that I am down and I am done?
That you made me ruined, you blocked the flow?
And now I'm lost and that you've won?
But no, it seems,
that you can make it worse,
you're killing me,
the old dead love curse.
I have done it before,
I have worked the magic,
not knowing the power,
or ever feeling the tragic.
Just leave me be, now just go,
let the darkness fall over me,
just let me go.
It's not enough for you obviously,
to destroy my heart, no you must destroy me.
You pulled the veil over my eyes,
even though I knew it was coming,
it came at last with surprise.
Apparently the words I heard,
were misunderstood,
or should I have learned,
not to believe them?
Now you have done your deed,
get out of my head, my heart.
Go, just leave.
Leave me isolated and betrayed,
secluded and afraid.
Don't look back, just keep knowing,
one day, I'll live, and keep on going.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
straighten up and make an entrance.
Standing out is almost best,
when you don't do it for the rest.
When you want your own mind,
don't have to stick to your kind.
Don't make all it's wait to be the reward.
Try not to be the one to cut the cord.
Make your life worth living,
not taking but always giving.
But in the end,
it's nothing you'll get.
All the work isn't worth the while,
and trying to find your place
ain't gonna shorten the mile.
Fixin' up your face is nothing but folly,
when it's ugly they'll see inside you.
So work from the inside to the outside,
and maybe I'll walk beside you.
With all the pain
and confusion,
I find it disheartening,
that love's a delusion.
I wont be the victim this time,
I don't want any more of these
love and hate crimes.
Not me this time,
I felt the pain.
what makes you think
I wanna feel it again?
I'm honest. I wont lie,
I wish it could just all be alright.
But its gone and shattered,
I guess to you, nothing really mattered.
Tired of writing these depressing love poems.
Want to feel good and be happy again.
Someone put me out of my sorrow.
Give me a big bear hug and a candy bar.
Need some warmth and friendliness.
Need that sweet satisfaction.
-----------------------------------------------------
My life is my music.
My life is my family.
My life is my poetry.
My life is falling,
falling apart.
But my life cant be replaced.
So, off to a brand new start.
My life is changing
My life was all about the happy.
When came all the sad
And with all my friends beside me,
I forgot all of the bad.
Then came a knight in shining armor,
Who swept me off my feet
Only to leave me lying,
In the dirty lonely street
I wanted all the happy back,
But became one with my pain.
Forgetting all my senses,
And calling out the name
They all said to forget him.
All the while my heart said no.
My mind is playing tricks on me.
Forgetting all I know.
"I just want my life back,"
I screamed into the silence.
"If you can get your head on straight,"
He called with certain guidance,
"You can get it back together,
If you can kill the alliance."
"What is the alliance?" I whispered in the dark.
"Just think it through," the voice called out, and
"certainly in a moment,
Your fear, your pain, and all your broken heart
will become what you have hoped it."
To be one with myself and leave behind my dread,
Was like waking up, but never leaving bed.
I needed those, it made me feel like everything was
wrong,
So when I came out in the end, I felt very strong.
----------------------------------------------------------
I've come close to this once.
I thought that I had it.
But nothing lasts forever
The seams came undone.
And only the leftovers haunt me
I'm looking for the one, in that 10%
of all the guys that aren't jerks.
I want the one who holds me tight,
I want the one who makes it right.
I want the one who overlooks all of me,
And loves all of me truly.
I don't want the stupid lies,
and all the chains and all the ties.
I tend to come and tend to go.
But i want him to be the one i go to,
Whenever I'm coming home.
To be the one we all dream about,
Would be something amazing to me.
To be the one I end my conversations perfectly complete.
If this man don't come,
nothing will change to me.
I'm tired of looking,
None of it will phase me.
I'm just tired of being the one,
thrown out in the dirt.
Just because the way I am,
Doesn't always work.
-------------------------------------------------
Unique and time consuming.
I wanted something to call my own,
And to make me feel right at home.
I try to strum,
I try to hum,
but none of it seems to fit.
Until I discovered all the words,
that never seem to quit.
I used my ability to read and write.
To form my thoughts and feelings,
Every single night
When I'm calm or all steamed up,
the words they come and constantly,
refill my cup.
My room is filled with endless stacks
of notebooks, old and new,
Some of all the pages filled,
Of poems about me and you.
I use the words to express myself,
Harder sometimes than others.
Stopping ever now and then,
To check up on my mother.
I need these words,
I believe they need me too.
To complete each other,
and become completely new.
Behind my eyes, I see most things,
They think I never do.
But in my books of poems,
There are truths that you never even knew.
So take your voice and sing it loud,
The knowledge thats within.
There's nothing more left to do,
but to let it all sink in
-------------------------------------------------
your hardcore.
Let's go rob the convenient store.
Grab some beer,
and take some fags.
Get it all,
fill your bag.
Smash the window,
smack the clerk.
Jump right out,
don't get hurt.
The cops are comin',
run for your freedom.
Run towards the hills,
keep 'em runnin'.
Make them work off those jelly donuts,
Make them regret the second coffee cup.
Keep their game up with your fitness,
keep on runnin', keep it up.
When your through and all is done,
don't say sorry, you had some fun.
Teenage boredoms worse than dying,
running for your life makes up for lying.
Get those adrenaline rushes through,
when telling kids say,
"Do as I say, not what I do"
--------------------------------------------------
What's so great about being teen?
Oh, we get drama, we get hot,
we get so called love and what not.
But what we don't get are steady answers,
our questions burn like a growing cancer.
Why is life so hard to live?
Is there nothing you have left to give?
We are past our childhoods,
and into adulthood.
Leave our innocence,
always up to no good.
Where's the light that I once saw?
Is it hiding, or there at all?
I believe it is, I'm just looking,
while I'm waiting, I will keep on living.
-------------------------------------------------
And I should have known you were the only one.
And even if I couldn't see you, I knew that you were there.
And I softly ran my fingers through your scruffy hair.
And I caressed your cheek and down your chin.
Isn't it amazing, this LoveLand we were in?
And I should have known the trouble we were causing..
And I jumped ahead without pausing..
And I knew I should have waited..
But in love, I was sedated.
And there are many things I wish..
A hug, one last kiss.
And I miss holding your hand..
And wondering around in this beautiful LoveLand.
In the dark, I felt your touch..
And your silent words were way too much.
The look you cast me made me small..
And this is why I miss it all.
Couldn't stay out even without love.
I Fall hard and stay reminded of..
All my oops and eeps and opes..
And my wasted time with mindless dopes.
Love this land I'm searching in..
And finding only, always him.
---------------------------------------------------
I only wish to be there back on that sweet warm day..
I'm missing not only the security,
but the feelings I long for...
I suddenly know how it feels to be hurt..
and I know the pain that I have caused..
I want to feel the love brush against my heart like the wind against my cheek...
I only wish for the love I want to keep..
And when I see it around me, it only makes it worse..
I cant seem to get past my deadliest love curse..
I want to stop my doubt,
I want to stop my hate.
I want to feel the happiness,
and finally stop the pain..
It's come to a point where I feel nothing at all,
and I only sit staring, dreaming facing a broken wall.
The wall is painted and covered in paper,
like my face, I cover to hide my anger..
The anger at myself, for being such a fool,
and all the times I screwed up and completely lost my cool.
Fuck my life and all that remains,
just me in my darkness, accompanied by my pain.
Let's keep my voices low, and don't let my tears show,
forget me and all that you know,
just fuck it all,
I'm just letting go.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Look at all their beautiful families.
Look at all their beautiful boyfriends and girlfriends.
Look at their beautiful grades.
Their beautiful faces.
Their beautiful smiles.
See how beautiful they are?
How many of them stop to say hello to you in the day?
How many lend a hand when you need it most?
How many hear your cry for friendship, and befriend you?
All the beautiful people don't seem so beautiful anymore..
They seem cold and heartless.
Where's the admiration you once had for them and their beautiful lives?
Just you know that in the darkest hour, I am here for you.
When hearing your cries, I will answer.
when you reach out, I will grab your hand and pull you to your feet.
I may not be the beautiful person you would imagine to wake you from your nightmare and listen to your sorrows, but I'm the one who will be there for you whether or not you think you are beautiful.
You will always be beautiful to me, true beauty from the inside out, not the painted face or unblemished face with no real emotion we often see as beautiful..
Beauty is what we want, desire, admire,and strive for.
But beauty is what destructs, corrupts, and rips apart everything we fought for.
In the End beauty will save and destroy the Earth.
Because through destruction and ugliness, TRUE Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Once we can find beauty in the souls of each other, I'm sure we can realize we have just accomplished a true goal of humans to see beyond the rigid outlines, messy hair, and timidness to find a beautiful soul and a never ending flow of friendship.
--------------------------------------------------
That the pain would be more than you could know.
I wanted to just step back, or walk away.
But no, you wanted me beside you, you wanted me to stay.
I stood beside you and continued on the wait,
you tired of my confusion, I could feel your hate.
I know you felt pain I knew,
and I tried to keep it far from you.
I told you why I live this way,
you still don't understand it, even to this day.
I guess you probably couldn't, and probably never will,
Yet you try, again and again, and oh how it pains me, still.
I warned you when I said it'd never work,
and it took you 'till the words came out to finally feel the hurt.
I want to take my words back, along with all my wrongs,
but in your mind, beside you, is exactly where I belong.
I admire you greatly, look at all you are,
Flowing with self-confidence, you're my shining star.
I would never try to hurt you, but know this,
Never make me change my mind with only a single kiss.
A power no one should ever be allowed to wield,
You make me enter war with nothing but my shield.
My mission, to keep you out,
and nothing I could win, but even more,
keeping myself in.
---------------------------------------------------------
[The Heat.] March 28th, 2007
In the beginning, I ran.
Away from the silence.
Never wanting to feel it, be consumed by it.
I fled to populated havens.
In my havens, I felt safe.
I threw my smiles, flashed my eyes.
It was my way of confusing existence with life.
In the times that passed, I felt my fear wash down.
It crouched, waiting to surface, but soon it faded completely.
My loneliness was banished,
surrounded by people I love and promises I held dear,
My mind was satisfied.
My comfort was enforced,
I was protected,
but not sheltered.
Again the passing time, ensured that I was living.
But the promises came empty and my hope turned to doubt.
People passed through my life, and many faced their time.
I let them go gently without questioning death and life itself.
I knew it was natural, to feel the pain and loss,
but the tears came only suddenly, when it finally dented in.
My quiet acceptance, shocking to those who stared,
and only understood by those who knew and actually cared.
Of course life went on, as it will for evermore,
life was brought up again and seemed to fill the need
for those who had passed on.
Life, a miracle.
Life, a tragedy.
Life, a comedy.
and Life, a romance.
But In my life, as of right now,
I stand at a split of two paths.
I can follow the one so familiar, so comfortable.
Or I can take the one that shines and glows, beckons to me.
Frightening as it is, as frightening as the outcomes,
I know which one to travel.
I'll take the one meant for me, the adventure of growing up,
If only I can make myself take the step.
Taking the step, as easy as it sounds,
could be like taking a plunge into the icy black depths of nothing,
of something.
Something I don't know or recognize, or even understand.
Of course it is inevitable, I know which way to go.
------------------------------------------------------------
Oh My thoughts, deceive me...
Oh how they won't relieve me...
The only thing I thought was mine,
slipped through my fingers with passing time...
The feelings I felt were such a shame...
And i couldn't even think the name...
I turned my back on all I felt...
In these moments, my morals melt...
I fell into a dark state of mind...
And all of me was hate, not kind...
And no one tried to understand...
And no one offered to hold my hand...
Isolated, but looked upon...
On display and judged right on...
No one else can help this pain...
so more of it I began to gain...
And then one day it just all went numb...
and my roar became a sweet, low hum...
The pain was there, just underneath...
And i wasn't willing to unsheathe...
Now lost and confused without reason...
Different feelings like the changing seasons...
Still no one stood among the crowd,
that I thought would hear me loud...
All my cries for help...
And in my loneliness, I just wept and knelt...
Finally with no last hope...
A wandering stranger gripped my rope...
He took me into his welcoming refuge...
And he helped me mend my many wounds...
The first sign of care that I had known...
And in his face, it had shown...
With all of this, I had learned to deal with my past...
And with this friend, I had loved at last....
What a man to lend a hand...
To someone too weak to stand...
This is the love we all should give...
To anyone who needs it,
This is how we should live.
My wandering stranger, thank you.
You knew I could love again.
And you're the one it all goes to,
and from you, I receive mine.
----------------------------------------------------------
[Who's beside you?] February 25th, 2007
Who's got my back when I turn around?
Who's helpin' me up when I fall down?
And who may I ask, is my remedy?
The people who hold my hand.
The ones who understand.
All those who advise,
And give me a reason to be alive.
My friends are more than friends.
My friends I can't describe.
They aren't just trends,
They are more, friends for life.
My friends, I won't let down.
My friends I stay behind.
My friends, stay around,
My friends, I'm always beside.
I love you all and you know it.
I won't leave or desert you,
and even if I don't show it,
I couldn't live without you.
---------------------------------------------------------
[Little teardrop of feeling.] March 1st, 2007
Let the pain come in..My life's shattering...
Let the whole world know..
I've got nothing...
Just nothing..
It's all said and it's all done..
Should have knew it wouldn't last..
I just went along for the run...
Trying to make it last...
I guess we cant force our fates..
And I guess sometimes things don't fit...
Should have known about these people...
They never let you live.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Untitled] March 1st, 2007
Is it not enough for you to knowthat I am down and I am done?
That you made me ruined, you blocked the flow?
And now I'm lost and that you've won?
But no, it seems,
that you can make it worse,
you're killing me,
the old dead love curse.
I have done it before,
I have worked the magic,
not knowing the power,
or ever feeling the tragic.
Just leave me be, now just go,
let the darkness fall over me,
just let me go.
It's not enough for you obviously,
to destroy my heart, no you must destroy me.
You pulled the veil over my eyes,
even though I knew it was coming,
it came at last with surprise.
Apparently the words I heard,
were misunderstood,
or should I have learned,
not to believe them?
Now you have done your deed,
get out of my head, my heart.
Go, just leave.
Leave me isolated and betrayed,
secluded and afraid.
Don't look back, just keep knowing,
one day, I'll live, and keep on going.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[I wish this would end.] March 3rd, 2007
If you really want to make a difference,straighten up and make an entrance.
Standing out is almost best,
when you don't do it for the rest.
When you want your own mind,
don't have to stick to your kind.
Don't make all it's wait to be the reward.
Try not to be the one to cut the cord.
Make your life worth living,
not taking but always giving.
But in the end,
it's nothing you'll get.
All the work isn't worth the while,
and trying to find your place
ain't gonna shorten the mile.
Fixin' up your face is nothing but folly,
when it's ugly they'll see inside you.
So work from the inside to the outside,
and maybe I'll walk beside you.
With all the pain
and confusion,
I find it disheartening,
that love's a delusion.
I wont be the victim this time,
I don't want any more of these
love and hate crimes.
Not me this time,
I felt the pain.
what makes you think
I wanna feel it again?
I'm honest. I wont lie,
I wish it could just all be alright.
But its gone and shattered,
I guess to you, nothing really mattered.
Tired of writing these depressing love poems.
Want to feel good and be happy again.
Someone put me out of my sorrow.
Give me a big bear hug and a candy bar.
Need some warmth and friendliness.
Need that sweet satisfaction.
-----------------------------------------------------
[My life is changing.] March 3rd,2007
My life is my friends.My life is my music.
My life is my family.
My life is my poetry.
My life is falling,
falling apart.
But my life cant be replaced.
So, off to a brand new start.
My life is changing
My life was all about the happy.
When came all the sad
And with all my friends beside me,
I forgot all of the bad.
Then came a knight in shining armor,
Who swept me off my feet
Only to leave me lying,
In the dirty lonely street
I wanted all the happy back,
But became one with my pain.
Forgetting all my senses,
And calling out the name
They all said to forget him.
All the while my heart said no.
My mind is playing tricks on me.
Forgetting all I know.
"I just want my life back,"
I screamed into the silence.
"If you can get your head on straight,"
He called with certain guidance,
"You can get it back together,
If you can kill the alliance."
"What is the alliance?" I whispered in the dark.
"Just think it through," the voice called out, and
"certainly in a moment,
Your fear, your pain, and all your broken heart
will become what you have hoped it."
To be one with myself and leave behind my dread,
Was like waking up, but never leaving bed.
I needed those, it made me feel like everything was
wrong,
So when I came out in the end, I felt very strong.
----------------------------------------------------------
[That man] March 3rd, 2007
I want to meet the guy all us girls dream about.I've come close to this once.
I thought that I had it.
But nothing lasts forever
The seams came undone.
And only the leftovers haunt me
I'm looking for the one, in that 10%
of all the guys that aren't jerks.
I want the one who holds me tight,
I want the one who makes it right.
I want the one who overlooks all of me,
And loves all of me truly.
I don't want the stupid lies,
and all the chains and all the ties.
I tend to come and tend to go.
But i want him to be the one i go to,
Whenever I'm coming home.
To be the one we all dream about,
Would be something amazing to me.
To be the one I end my conversations perfectly complete.
If this man don't come,
nothing will change to me.
I'm tired of looking,
None of it will phase me.
I'm just tired of being the one,
thrown out in the dirt.
Just because the way I am,
Doesn't always work.
-------------------------------------------------
[My words] March 3rd, 2007
All my life I needed something.Unique and time consuming.
I wanted something to call my own,
And to make me feel right at home.
I try to strum,
I try to hum,
but none of it seems to fit.
Until I discovered all the words,
that never seem to quit.
I used my ability to read and write.
To form my thoughts and feelings,
Every single night
When I'm calm or all steamed up,
the words they come and constantly,
refill my cup.
My room is filled with endless stacks
of notebooks, old and new,
Some of all the pages filled,
Of poems about me and you.
I use the words to express myself,
Harder sometimes than others.
Stopping ever now and then,
To check up on my mother.
I need these words,
I believe they need me too.
To complete each other,
and become completely new.
Behind my eyes, I see most things,
They think I never do.
But in my books of poems,
There are truths that you never even knew.
So take your voice and sing it loud,
The knowledge thats within.
There's nothing more left to do,
but to let it all sink in
-------------------------------------------------
[Strange, different girl.] March 3rd, 2007
I am a girl who loves words.
I am a girl who loves wisdom.
I am a girl who loves boys,
but not what comes with them.
I love all the earth,
but none of our bulk.
I'm just waiting for my path,
to confidently unfold.
I'm still a good bit sad,
For such a loss as I have had.
And it's still not quite as bad
as the gaping hole in my heart.
I am a girl who yearns for love.
A girl who yearns for peace.
A girl who wishes to become,
exactly what she sees.
I'm the girl who sits behind
all the lovely others,
not wishing for the glamorous life,
but to be the insight provider.
I am not the most extravagant.
I am definitely not the prettiest.
I am just trying to make my way,
On this crazy planet.
Our life is something special,
Had to be significantly created.
But everyone sees the issues,
Of the incredibly dated.
I am not the smartest girl,
and I am not the best.
I just want to be heard,
among the clueless rest.
I have great words of wisdom.
I have the answers true.
I just want some speaking time,
Tired of being shooed.
I want to be the kind of girl,
That everyone wants to know.
Not the popularity,
But just the chance to glow.
Tired of all you mindless children,
screaming and running about.
And all your pointless technology,
Sucking our souls right out.
You need to listen,
You need to learn.
Material things,
Are of no particular worth.
When you die and go along,
It will stay behind.
But your soul and memories,
Will all be worth the while.
I just want to get a break,
From all the criticism.
Can't you see that I don't care
What you think?
Because I am just that Girl.
That strange girl with her strange words,
and her strange morals,
and her strange view of the world.
Just that strange, different girl.
---------------------------------------------------
[Teenage boredom.] March 4th, 2007
I'm hardcore,your hardcore.
Let's go rob the convenient store.
Grab some beer,
and take some fags.
Get it all,
fill your bag.
Smash the window,
smack the clerk.
Jump right out,
don't get hurt.
The cops are comin',
run for your freedom.
Run towards the hills,
keep 'em runnin'.
Make them work off those jelly donuts,
Make them regret the second coffee cup.
Keep their game up with your fitness,
keep on runnin', keep it up.
When your through and all is done,
don't say sorry, you had some fun.
Teenage boredoms worse than dying,
running for your life makes up for lying.
Get those adrenaline rushes through,
when telling kids say,
"Do as I say, not what I do"
--------------------------------------------------
[Journal, Journal.] March 15th, 2007
Journal Journal on the screen,What's so great about being teen?
Oh, we get drama, we get hot,
we get so called love and what not.
But what we don't get are steady answers,
our questions burn like a growing cancer.
Why is life so hard to live?
Is there nothing you have left to give?
We are past our childhoods,
and into adulthood.
Leave our innocence,
always up to no good.
Where's the light that I once saw?
Is it hiding, or there at all?
I believe it is, I'm just looking,
while I'm waiting, I will keep on living.
-------------------------------------------------
[LoveLand.] March 31st, 2007
And I should have known you were the only one.
And even if I couldn't see you, I knew that you were there.
And I softly ran my fingers through your scruffy hair.
And I caressed your cheek and down your chin.
Isn't it amazing, this LoveLand we were in?
And I should have known the trouble we were causing..
And I jumped ahead without pausing..
And I knew I should have waited..
But in love, I was sedated.
And there are many things I wish..
A hug, one last kiss.
And I miss holding your hand..
And wondering around in this beautiful LoveLand.
In the dark, I felt your touch..
And your silent words were way too much.
The look you cast me made me small..
And this is why I miss it all.
Couldn't stay out even without love.
I Fall hard and stay reminded of..
All my oops and eeps and opes..
And my wasted time with mindless dopes.
Love this land I'm searching in..
And finding only, always him.
---------------------------------------------------
[I'm letting go.] April 9th, 2007
I only wish to be there back on that sweet warm day..
I'm missing not only the security,
but the feelings I long for...
I suddenly know how it feels to be hurt..
and I know the pain that I have caused..
I want to feel the love brush against my heart like the wind against my cheek...
I only wish for the love I want to keep..
And when I see it around me, it only makes it worse..
I cant seem to get past my deadliest love curse..
I want to stop my doubt,
I want to stop my hate.
I want to feel the happiness,
and finally stop the pain..
It's come to a point where I feel nothing at all,
and I only sit staring, dreaming facing a broken wall.
The wall is painted and covered in paper,
like my face, I cover to hide my anger..
The anger at myself, for being such a fool,
and all the times I screwed up and completely lost my cool.
Fuck my life and all that remains,
just me in my darkness, accompanied by my pain.
Let's keep my voices low, and don't let my tears show,
forget me and all that you know,
just fuck it all,
I'm just letting go.
--------------------------------------------------------------
[Beauty.] March 9th, 2007
Look at all the beautiful people around you.Look at all their beautiful families.
Look at all their beautiful boyfriends and girlfriends.
Look at their beautiful grades.
Their beautiful faces.
Their beautiful smiles.
See how beautiful they are?
How many of them stop to say hello to you in the day?
How many lend a hand when you need it most?
How many hear your cry for friendship, and befriend you?
All the beautiful people don't seem so beautiful anymore..
They seem cold and heartless.
Where's the admiration you once had for them and their beautiful lives?
Just you know that in the darkest hour, I am here for you.
When hearing your cries, I will answer.
when you reach out, I will grab your hand and pull you to your feet.
I may not be the beautiful person you would imagine to wake you from your nightmare and listen to your sorrows, but I'm the one who will be there for you whether or not you think you are beautiful.
You will always be beautiful to me, true beauty from the inside out, not the painted face or unblemished face with no real emotion we often see as beautiful..
Beauty is what we want, desire, admire,and strive for.
But beauty is what destructs, corrupts, and rips apart everything we fought for.
In the End beauty will save and destroy the Earth.
Because through destruction and ugliness, TRUE Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Once we can find beauty in the souls of each other, I'm sure we can realize we have just accomplished a true goal of humans to see beyond the rigid outlines, messy hair, and timidness to find a beautiful soul and a never ending flow of friendship.
--------------------------------------------------
[Wanted to say I told you so.] March 13th, 2007
I wanted to say that I told you so.That the pain would be more than you could know.
I wanted to just step back, or walk away.
But no, you wanted me beside you, you wanted me to stay.
I stood beside you and continued on the wait,
you tired of my confusion, I could feel your hate.
I know you felt pain I knew,
and I tried to keep it far from you.
I told you why I live this way,
you still don't understand it, even to this day.
I guess you probably couldn't, and probably never will,
Yet you try, again and again, and oh how it pains me, still.
I warned you when I said it'd never work,
and it took you 'till the words came out to finally feel the hurt.
I want to take my words back, along with all my wrongs,
but in your mind, beside you, is exactly where I belong.
I admire you greatly, look at all you are,
Flowing with self-confidence, you're my shining star.
I would never try to hurt you, but know this,
Never make me change my mind with only a single kiss.
A power no one should ever be allowed to wield,
You make me enter war with nothing but my shield.
My mission, to keep you out,
and nothing I could win, but even more,
keeping myself in.
---------------------------------------------------------
[The Heat.] March 28th, 2007
The heat is beating against me.
The heat wont let me be.
Beating at my back, my neck.
Keeping me from performing my best.
The heat is slashing at my clothes.
The heat is blanketing me, head to toes.
The heat is strengthening my eyes, my ears.
The heat is wiping away my fears.
The heat is taking me lower, lower,
spreading a dark stain all over.
It's eating away at my very soul,
making me forget all the good I know.
Iknow why the heat is back,
turning my aura fire and black.
Keep me away from me, far from myself,
away from the heat, far from this hell.
No apologies, No regrets.
No more to fear, no more to dread.
-----------------------------------------------------
[Silence and decision]
Silence.In the beginning, I ran.
Away from the silence.
Never wanting to feel it, be consumed by it.
I fled to populated havens.
In my havens, I felt safe.
I threw my smiles, flashed my eyes.
It was my way of confusing existence with life.
In the times that passed, I felt my fear wash down.
It crouched, waiting to surface, but soon it faded completely.
My loneliness was banished,
surrounded by people I love and promises I held dear,
My mind was satisfied.
My comfort was enforced,
I was protected,
but not sheltered.
Again the passing time, ensured that I was living.
But the promises came empty and my hope turned to doubt.
People passed through my life, and many faced their time.
I let them go gently without questioning death and life itself.
I knew it was natural, to feel the pain and loss,
but the tears came only suddenly, when it finally dented in.
My quiet acceptance, shocking to those who stared,
and only understood by those who knew and actually cared.
Of course life went on, as it will for evermore,
life was brought up again and seemed to fill the need
for those who had passed on.
Life, a miracle.
Life, a tragedy.
Life, a comedy.
and Life, a romance.
But In my life, as of right now,
I stand at a split of two paths.
I can follow the one so familiar, so comfortable.
Or I can take the one that shines and glows, beckons to me.
Frightening as it is, as frightening as the outcomes,
I know which one to travel.
I'll take the one meant for me, the adventure of growing up,
If only I can make myself take the step.
Taking the step, as easy as it sounds,
could be like taking a plunge into the icy black depths of nothing,
of something.
Something I don't know or recognize, or even understand.
Of course it is inevitable, I know which way to go.
------------------------------------------------------------
Some old Poems.
[Beginning of My Dead Love Curse] January 5th, 2007
When I looked outside that little square,
"Will it be, would he ever be mine?"
but the time came and it almost worked out,
but that little voice created my pout.
and I shivered when it was 70 degrees,
and in a room of people, I felt it was only me.
my life dragged on, and so did my mind.
and it felt to me, I was skipping time.
the things I saw were only blurs,
it was nothing more than a dead loves curse.
now I can lift my glass,
and sing a cheer,
for my time is done,
I'm through with fear.
it ruled my life,
my love, my thought.
and it was true,
love it was not.
but I guess thats how life is,
pushing you into something you wish,
but in the end, its time you'll miss.
------------------------------------------------------
[My Angel] January 6th, 2007
Angels fly,
angels sing,
angels cry,
with angel wings.
My angel didn't have wings.
My angel's halo was dim.
My angel had the eyes of wisdom.
My angel had the softest skin.
My angel knew that I was lost.
My angel knew that I was down.
My angel knew where to find me.
I was the one my angel found.
My angel's work was often secret.
My angel didn't leave a clue
My angel had to help me,
My angel knew what he had to do.
But then one day we were walking,
under the stars and we were talking,
about how I had been lifted,
and how amazingly my angel was gifted.
He said, "I think it's almost time for me to go"
and he stopped me before I could say, "No!"
He said, "I see that you are well,
The happiest so far that I could tell"
But I whispered such a soft reply,
"You cannot leave, you cannot fly.
I don't want for you to go,
cant you see, I need you so?"
He shook his head and said,
"I have to go, my place isn't here,
you can always visit,
it's very near."
and I realized just then,
that he was my cure;
I needed a friend,
and he was pure.
He looked at me, and I at him,
he had no wings, his halo was dim.
His clothes were scruffy,
and so was hair.
But because I loved him, I didn't care.
My angel loves me.
My angel loves the night.
My angel has no wings.
My angel cannot fly.
But my angel brought me into the sky.
My angel taught me,
no need for wings to fly.
He took me on a guided tour
and before I knew it,
I could soar.
I miss my angel,
he had to leave.
I see him sometimes,
above the trees.
My angel is my only love,
with the spirit of a soaring dove.
My angel doesn't mind
that he needs no wings
to explore the sky.
I search the sky,
My heart sings;
My angel flies,
without wings.
My friend.
My love.
My cure.
My Angel
---------------------------------------------
[Here I go again] January 11th, 2007
I'm off to a better start.
Things are going great.
But life at home still sucks.
And I have noticed I'm not quite as satisfied.
But I'm definitely happier.
But that's the nature of man, or woman in this case,
once you have something, you want more.
and the desire just don't stop.
And I get to thinking, remembering, hoping, wishing, longing;
It's not material.
It's emotional.
My friends, my love,
all create a never ending circumference of mixed feelings,
bittersweet like hearing an upbeat hardcore love song on the radio,
with the windows down and a summer breeze.
Sweet scents of freedom,
and the energy of a lion,
I'm running free,
nothings gonna get to me.
Jumping off an eight foot bank into an Alabama creek,
and it's scorching hot, the sun's beating down like magnified energy.
Your feet hit the water first, then you legs and your stomach *oh its cold!* and then your face is surging beneath an engulfing peacefulness.
And you drift for a minute, just letting the chill carry you into a state of selflessness.
The shock of it is crazy torture but after it, comes that sense of relief and happiness, and replenished light within your body.
I can do anything.
Climb back up, this time, I'll drop in wild like the animal within is roaring out of me,
And here I go again.
--------------------------------------------
there I sank, a chilling numb.
My mind stopped mid-thought,
and for a second my heart was caught.
Caught in this web of confusion, I was lost and dazed,
although my body was still, my heart was crazed.
Adrenaline rush.
Palpitation.
Word mush.
Humiliation.
Tangled was my thread of emotion,
and hell was this brain-freak potion.
Tingling nerves and non-stop chills,
and it's often true curiosity kills.
Snooping, peaking,tip-toeing,
through these corridors of the school of love,
trying out, burning out,tripping out
like a flight-sick dove.
Through this little pond,
and these wide, vast oceans,
we go from fish to fish,
and kiss to kiss.
Can't find that perfect one.
These questions of love and what not
flash through my brain
like subliminal messages
on the TV screen.
Snap back,
reality smack,
epiphic moment come and gone;
go home, write all night long.
-----------------------------------------------
[What kind of man?] January 25th, 2007
Why did he do it?
What a foolish man.
Why couldn't he take it?
What a weak man.
Why couldn't he have tried?
What a lazy man.
Why did he leave?
What a scared man.
Why didn't he fix it?
What a selfish man.
What was his flaw?
He wasn't a thinking,
believing,
attempting,
achieving,
kind
of
man.
What was his excuse?
He was just a man.
-------------------------------------------
[My shadow and I] January 25th, 2007
My shadow an I are friends.
She likes the light,
I prefer the dark.
She wants to live,
I want to die.
She lives by the sun and the moon,
I survive with my fork and my spoon.
She sees all good,
and sometimes I do,
I guess for being overlooked,
her hopes are what keeps her going.
Wish I was just like her...
But she comes and goes to others,
but for me she is always right behind me,
beside me,
in front of me,
and inside me.
I think she likes my conscience,
they agree a lot.
But no matter what I choose,
they don't judge me,
'cus they ARE me,
they are me, too.
Wish I could dodge the spotlight and hide out,
and for her that's all she can dream about,
is the light that she desires;
in this darkness, she is tired.
Both of these girls are me,
one is dark, one is light.
One must love, or maybe die.
All of these are all my friends and my enemies in my sad,happy, merry-go-round, ferris wheel of dreams and hopes.
And my despair of being alone,
in this crazy world,
and a broken home.
-----------------------------------------------
Would you help to hold it?
If you only knew the secrets of my soul...
Would it matter, would you love me still?
If you knew the worries my heart stands still for...
Would you help to diminish them?
If you knew how I would feel if I lost you...
Would you stay for a little bit longer?
If you loved me for me...
Would it honestly matter?
If you knew that I chose you for you...
Would you tell me why you chose me?
If you knew the pain I felt...
Would you feel it with me?
If you saw me crying...
Would you cry with me?
If you knew the peace that I longed for...
Would you try to provide it?
If you knew my dreams and wishes...
Would you respect them?
If I told you I needed you...
Would you hold my hand?
If I just told you...
Would you understand?
-----------------------------------------------------
Oh sweet star of mine, I need the pain at any cost.
Oh sweet star of mine, I can't make it through the day...
To know that I am still alive, is the only way.
Oh sweet star of mine, why is this so hard?
Oh sweet star of mine, I have pulled out the wrong card.
I have chosen the wrong path and took the frightening risk...
But I must make it to the end, I'm yearning for that bliss...
Oh sweet star of mine, where did I go wrong?
Oh sweet star of mine, they knew it wouldn't be long...
If they knew, why didn't they give me a hint, a hand?
Did they think, because I'm young, I wouldn't understand?
Oh sweet star of mine.
Did I have to learn it the hard way,
and learn to make it right the next day?
It was bad to see them go....
and I guess it pays to let it show...
Oh sweet star of mine.
To have my cake and eat it to...
was something I wished that I could do.
I did get something out of this...
Make you cake and share it.
And sit down and wait for your well earned kiss.
Oh sweet star of mine.
Life can be generous and malicious to you.
You must listen and take the advice and make it true.
So even if the pain is terrible...
At least you know you are living.
And although it takes courage,
loving is a never-ending giving.
Take my calm, and take my peace.
Give me something to fight for.
Knowing I have a reason,
is more than enough to strive for.
Oh sweet star of mine,
Live.
--------------------------------------------------
although I had to there, for a while.
For my friends and family would be aghast,
if they only knew the secrets of my past.
Many mistakes and deeds I hath done,
and almost regretted every single one.
There were many days I hadn't felt the light,
and only cried throughout the night.
I plastered on my shiny eyes,
and glossed my lips to your surprise.
I painted on that jolly blush,
and smiled only to keep the hush.
I wished I could rest my cheeks;
I smiled with no reason for many weeks.
I made sure no one had a single doubt,
and hoped no one would find me out.
I had to appear strong for the week,
I was the example for the meek.
I was the one who was in all glory;
no one knowing my memories were gory.
I wish I could hide away,
not be seen forever and a day.
I wanted to avert this false happiness,
and be left alone in my helplessness.
Just a day to prove they're wrong,
I can't go living like this for long.
I must let them see the true me,
even if it means a loss of believers of this made up glory.
Because I can't keep living in their made up story.
Many a times, I stood in the light,
but I felt the burns, and it smeared my sight.
I couldn't be held accountable,
though my actions were terrible.
I can't stand this sickening position,
being loved like a false image.
No one knows.
Or no one shows.
Could it be that they do see me?
And that maybe it just doesn't effect them...?
No, thats not it.
Their eyes, their eyes are clouded over.
They could care less.
They have their lives and just go along.
They go with what they know,
and they hate what they don't understand.
That would be me,
I'm strange and I'm different,
so they cover me up,
they tell lies.
They make me seem perfect,
so that no one will see my flaws.
Just not good enough for them.
I must escape their evil jaws.
Stealing out through the night,
I feel now that I have done what's best;
what's right.
My knapsack thrown over my shoulder,
heavy with my belongings and secrets,
like a boulder.
I don't mind, the pain's not bad,
the cold, the wind, the rain, the sad.
It's just another obstacle,
out from the tiny microscope,
and into the world.
It's bigger, it's scarier.
It's darker, it's deadlier.
But it's more appealing.
There is something comforting about it.
They're people like me.
Secrets and hatches,
mending and patches.
A place to start out new,
but not untrue.
It's colder, but it's home.
A darker, sweeter tone.
The land where I can be myself,
in a town where we accept ourselves.
It's worldly, it's ghouly,
but we care for each other,
truly.
We protect our neighbors,
We say hello to the strangers.
We all know everyone's past,
but we treasure the knowing,
like sand through the hourglass.
----------------------------------------------
When I looked outside that little square,
I saw the boy with the shaggy hair.
"Will it be, would he ever be mine?"
but the time came and it almost worked out,
but that little voice created my pout.
and I shivered when it was 70 degrees,
and in a room of people, I felt it was only me.
my life dragged on, and so did my mind.
and it felt to me, I was skipping time.
the things I saw were only blurs,
it was nothing more than a dead loves curse.
now I can lift my glass,
and sing a cheer,
for my time is done,
I'm through with fear.
it ruled my life,
my love, my thought.
and it was true,
love it was not.
but I guess thats how life is,
pushing you into something you wish,
but in the end, its time you'll miss.
------------------------------------------------------
[My Angel] January 6th, 2007
Angels fly,
angels sing,
angels cry,
with angel wings.
My angel didn't have wings.
My angel's halo was dim.
My angel had the eyes of wisdom.
My angel had the softest skin.
My angel knew that I was lost.
My angel knew that I was down.
My angel knew where to find me.
I was the one my angel found.
My angel's work was often secret.
My angel didn't leave a clue
My angel had to help me,
My angel knew what he had to do.
But then one day we were walking,
under the stars and we were talking,
about how I had been lifted,
and how amazingly my angel was gifted.
He said, "I think it's almost time for me to go"
and he stopped me before I could say, "No!"
He said, "I see that you are well,
The happiest so far that I could tell"
But I whispered such a soft reply,
"You cannot leave, you cannot fly.
I don't want for you to go,
cant you see, I need you so?"
He shook his head and said,
"I have to go, my place isn't here,
you can always visit,
it's very near."
and I realized just then,
that he was my cure;
I needed a friend,
and he was pure.
He looked at me, and I at him,
he had no wings, his halo was dim.
His clothes were scruffy,
and so was hair.
But because I loved him, I didn't care.
My angel loves me.
My angel loves the night.
My angel has no wings.
My angel cannot fly.
But my angel brought me into the sky.
My angel taught me,
no need for wings to fly.
He took me on a guided tour
and before I knew it,
I could soar.
I miss my angel,
he had to leave.
I see him sometimes,
above the trees.
My angel is my only love,
with the spirit of a soaring dove.
My angel doesn't mind
that he needs no wings
to explore the sky.
I search the sky,
My heart sings;
My angel flies,
without wings.
My friend.
My love.
My cure.
My Angel
---------------------------------------------
[Here I go again] January 11th, 2007
I'm off to a better start.
Things are going great.
But life at home still sucks.
And I have noticed I'm not quite as satisfied.
But I'm definitely happier.
But that's the nature of man, or woman in this case,
once you have something, you want more.
and the desire just don't stop.
And I get to thinking, remembering, hoping, wishing, longing;
It's not material.
It's emotional.
My friends, my love,
all create a never ending circumference of mixed feelings,
bittersweet like hearing an upbeat hardcore love song on the radio,
with the windows down and a summer breeze.
Sweet scents of freedom,
and the energy of a lion,
I'm running free,
nothings gonna get to me.
Jumping off an eight foot bank into an Alabama creek,
and it's scorching hot, the sun's beating down like magnified energy.
Your feet hit the water first, then you legs and your stomach *oh its cold!* and then your face is surging beneath an engulfing peacefulness.
And you drift for a minute, just letting the chill carry you into a state of selflessness.
The shock of it is crazy torture but after it, comes that sense of relief and happiness, and replenished light within your body.
I can do anything.
Climb back up, this time, I'll drop in wild like the animal within is roaring out of me,
And here I go again.
--------------------------------------------
[Web of Confusion] January 17th, 2007
there I sank, a chilling numb.
My mind stopped mid-thought,
and for a second my heart was caught.
Caught in this web of confusion, I was lost and dazed,
although my body was still, my heart was crazed.
Adrenaline rush.
Palpitation.
Word mush.
Humiliation.
Tangled was my thread of emotion,
and hell was this brain-freak potion.
Tingling nerves and non-stop chills,
and it's often true curiosity kills.
Snooping, peaking,tip-toeing,
through these corridors of the school of love,
trying out, burning out,tripping out
like a flight-sick dove.
Through this little pond,
and these wide, vast oceans,
we go from fish to fish,
and kiss to kiss.
Can't find that perfect one.
These questions of love and what not
flash through my brain
like subliminal messages
on the TV screen.
Snap back,
reality smack,
epiphic moment come and gone;
go home, write all night long.
-----------------------------------------------
[What kind of man?] January 25th, 2007
Why did he do it?
What a foolish man.
Why couldn't he take it?
What a weak man.
Why couldn't he have tried?
What a lazy man.
Why did he leave?
What a scared man.
Why didn't he fix it?
What a selfish man.
What was his flaw?
He wasn't a thinking,
believing,
attempting,
achieving,
kind
of
man.
What was his excuse?
He was just a man.
-------------------------------------------
[My shadow and I] January 25th, 2007
My shadow an I are friends.
She likes the light,
I prefer the dark.
She wants to live,
I want to die.
She lives by the sun and the moon,
I survive with my fork and my spoon.
She sees all good,
and sometimes I do,
I guess for being overlooked,
her hopes are what keeps her going.
Wish I was just like her...
But she comes and goes to others,
but for me she is always right behind me,
beside me,
in front of me,
and inside me.
I think she likes my conscience,
they agree a lot.
But no matter what I choose,
they don't judge me,
'cus they ARE me,
they are me, too.
Wish I could dodge the spotlight and hide out,
and for her that's all she can dream about,
is the light that she desires;
in this darkness, she is tired.
Both of these girls are me,
one is dark, one is light.
One must love, or maybe die.
All of these are all my friends and my enemies in my sad,happy, merry-go-round, ferris wheel of dreams and hopes.
And my despair of being alone,
in this crazy world,
and a broken home.
-----------------------------------------------
[If only] January 28th, 2007
Would you help to hold it?
If you only knew the secrets of my soul...
Would it matter, would you love me still?
If you knew the worries my heart stands still for...
Would you help to diminish them?
If you knew how I would feel if I lost you...
Would you stay for a little bit longer?
If you loved me for me...
Would it honestly matter?
If you knew that I chose you for you...
Would you tell me why you chose me?
If you knew the pain I felt...
Would you feel it with me?
If you saw me crying...
Would you cry with me?
If you knew the peace that I longed for...
Would you try to provide it?
If you knew my dreams and wishes...
Would you respect them?
If I told you I needed you...
Would you hold my hand?
If I just told you...
Would you understand?
-----------------------------------------------------
[Oh sweet star of mine, live.] February 10th, 2007
Oh sweet star of mine, I need the pain at any cost.
Oh sweet star of mine, I can't make it through the day...
To know that I am still alive, is the only way.
Oh sweet star of mine, why is this so hard?
Oh sweet star of mine, I have pulled out the wrong card.
I have chosen the wrong path and took the frightening risk...
But I must make it to the end, I'm yearning for that bliss...
Oh sweet star of mine, where did I go wrong?
Oh sweet star of mine, they knew it wouldn't be long...
If they knew, why didn't they give me a hint, a hand?
Did they think, because I'm young, I wouldn't understand?
Oh sweet star of mine.
Did I have to learn it the hard way,
and learn to make it right the next day?
It was bad to see them go....
and I guess it pays to let it show...
Oh sweet star of mine.
To have my cake and eat it to...
was something I wished that I could do.
I did get something out of this...
Make you cake and share it.
And sit down and wait for your well earned kiss.
Oh sweet star of mine.
Life can be generous and malicious to you.
You must listen and take the advice and make it true.
So even if the pain is terrible...
At least you know you are living.
And although it takes courage,
loving is a never-ending giving.
Take my calm, and take my peace.
Give me something to fight for.
Knowing I have a reason,
is more than enough to strive for.
Oh sweet star of mine,
Live.
--------------------------------------------------
[The ghosts of our pasts.] February 15th, 2007
Oh my past was deadly and dark,
and I rarely ventured out past the park.
Many had feared that I beared the mark,
and shut my ears to the glorious hark.
although I had to there, for a while.
For my friends and family would be aghast,
if they only knew the secrets of my past.
Many mistakes and deeds I hath done,
and almost regretted every single one.
There were many days I hadn't felt the light,
and only cried throughout the night.
I plastered on my shiny eyes,
and glossed my lips to your surprise.
I painted on that jolly blush,
and smiled only to keep the hush.
I wished I could rest my cheeks;
I smiled with no reason for many weeks.
I made sure no one had a single doubt,
and hoped no one would find me out.
I had to appear strong for the week,
I was the example for the meek.
I was the one who was in all glory;
no one knowing my memories were gory.
I wish I could hide away,
not be seen forever and a day.
I wanted to avert this false happiness,
and be left alone in my helplessness.
Just a day to prove they're wrong,
I can't go living like this for long.
I must let them see the true me,
even if it means a loss of believers of this made up glory.
Because I can't keep living in their made up story.
Many a times, I stood in the light,
but I felt the burns, and it smeared my sight.
I couldn't be held accountable,
though my actions were terrible.
I can't stand this sickening position,
being loved like a false image.
No one knows.
Or no one shows.
Could it be that they do see me?
And that maybe it just doesn't effect them...?
No, thats not it.
Their eyes, their eyes are clouded over.
They could care less.
They have their lives and just go along.
They go with what they know,
and they hate what they don't understand.
That would be me,
I'm strange and I'm different,
so they cover me up,
they tell lies.
They make me seem perfect,
so that no one will see my flaws.
Just not good enough for them.
I must escape their evil jaws.
Stealing out through the night,
I feel now that I have done what's best;
what's right.
My knapsack thrown over my shoulder,
heavy with my belongings and secrets,
like a boulder.
I don't mind, the pain's not bad,
the cold, the wind, the rain, the sad.
It's just another obstacle,
out from the tiny microscope,
and into the world.
It's bigger, it's scarier.
It's darker, it's deadlier.
But it's more appealing.
There is something comforting about it.
They're people like me.
Secrets and hatches,
mending and patches.
A place to start out new,
but not untrue.
It's colder, but it's home.
A darker, sweeter tone.
The land where I can be myself,
in a town where we accept ourselves.
It's worldly, it's ghouly,
but we care for each other,
truly.
We protect our neighbors,
We say hello to the strangers.
We all know everyone's past,
but we treasure the knowing,
like sand through the hourglass.
----------------------------------------------
Jessi, Why don't you like love?
Friend: Jessi. Why don't you like love?
Jessi:Because I hardly ever feel it.
~~~~~~~
Yep.
The simplest answer I have ever given that was true.
Why don't I like love?
The only times I have loved, things blew up in my face.
Why don't I love?
I do love, just not that romantic love.
Why can't I love?
I never learned.
Will I ever love?
I don't know, I hope so, though.
Who will teach me to love?
Once again, I don't know.
Do I want love?
Yeah.
What love?
Any, all.
Feel better?
Possibly.
Jess
Jessi:Because I hardly ever feel it.
~~~~~~~
Yep.
The simplest answer I have ever given that was true.
Why don't I like love?
The only times I have loved, things blew up in my face.
Why don't I love?
I do love, just not that romantic love.
Why can't I love?
I never learned.
Will I ever love?
I don't know, I hope so, though.
Who will teach me to love?
Once again, I don't know.
Do I want love?
Yeah.
What love?
Any, all.
Feel better?
Possibly.
Jess
Monday, July 2, 2007
STUPID MYSPACE PHISHERS!
I cannot believe it!
I'm not the shallow every-day myspace whore, I promise, but I love myspace because otherwise, I wouldn't be in touch with some of my friends.
I have many blogs and pics on there that I don't want screwed around with and guess what happens!
I get PHISHED! I never knew what that meant before and had hoped I would never need to know, but noooooo, it had to happen.
And so I'm guessing I know a couple people who know my password..but I'm guessing it was just random hackers or something, but it still pisses me off.
SO here's an apology to those people I laughed at because I thought that they were silly for getting into this kind of crud.
Sorry guys!
So I'm trying to change my password, but my connection's being so completely retarded, and I can't get those stupid little number and letter boxes to show up.
And you can't change anything without those..
So It sucks BIG TIME. I'm thinking that hopefully if I restart my computer, maybe the connection won't be so F'ed up.
And in a second, I'll post a blog about my adventurous day!
Jessi
I'm not the shallow every-day myspace whore, I promise, but I love myspace because otherwise, I wouldn't be in touch with some of my friends.
I have many blogs and pics on there that I don't want screwed around with and guess what happens!
I get PHISHED! I never knew what that meant before and had hoped I would never need to know, but noooooo, it had to happen.
And so I'm guessing I know a couple people who know my password..but I'm guessing it was just random hackers or something, but it still pisses me off.
SO here's an apology to those people I laughed at because I thought that they were silly for getting into this kind of crud.
Sorry guys!
So I'm trying to change my password, but my connection's being so completely retarded, and I can't get those stupid little number and letter boxes to show up.
And you can't change anything without those..
So It sucks BIG TIME. I'm thinking that hopefully if I restart my computer, maybe the connection won't be so F'ed up.
And in a second, I'll post a blog about my adventurous day!
Jessi
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Stupid Damn Boys!- RANT!
Ok, first thing is first. I REALLY LOVE BOYS!
Second thing, It HAS to be because of my sister!
And now.
Here's my rant.
I AM SO PISSED OFF!
It's SUMMER, and I'm SINGLE and ALONE!
People invite me places, yeah, and sometimes I go out, but not enough.
I'm mad because, I want a boyfriend.
But not just any guy, I don't want to continue wasting my time on random guys!
I ALWAYS date my best guy friends, and yes it has worked out, but I haven't really found the right guy.
I'm not searching for *the one* if I even have *a one*, but I do want to meet someone new and interesting. Someone who lives near me so it won't be hell to hang out!
I like my guy friends, I love them. BUT, I don't want to continue doing that..It's not like I'm trying to go through all of them, I'm not, I just can't help the way I feel..
And what I feel right now, is lousy enough to never go out into broad daylight again. So one of my exes, a good friend/brother type, IMPOSSIBLE kind of boy (he's not a guy, just a boy) is all pissed off at me because I don't do anything.
Here's my counteract:
1. I cannot drive, I'm 14.
2. My mother works ALL THE FUCKING TIME!
3. I have no money to do ANYTHING, which you need in this damn town to have any fun.
4. I'm pretty pissed at one or two of the people you want to hang with!!
5. When I'm with you, you confuse the living hell out of me, so therefore, sometimes I want nothing to do with you because you seem to think that if you snap your fingers, I'll jump you. WHICH I WON'T!!!
Some guys are so CONCEITED!!
OHMYGOD.
I just want a really nice, funny, caring, loving, kind of guy.
And not the kind that begs me to make out with him. Or the creepy kind.
Jeez.
Is it too hard to ask for a miracle?!?!
Because I am telling you one thing; If there was a really cute, great guy outside my door (who wasn't a creep, of course) I WOULD TOTALLY START LIVING LIFE AGAIN!!!
Now. With that said, I'm sure everyone knows how hard it is for me to spend every one of my waking moments alone.
Completely alone, and with no one but people I don't want to talk to calling.
Jess
Second thing, It HAS to be because of my sister!
And now.
Here's my rant.
I AM SO PISSED OFF!
It's SUMMER, and I'm SINGLE and ALONE!
People invite me places, yeah, and sometimes I go out, but not enough.
I'm mad because, I want a boyfriend.
But not just any guy, I don't want to continue wasting my time on random guys!
I ALWAYS date my best guy friends, and yes it has worked out, but I haven't really found the right guy.
I'm not searching for *the one* if I even have *a one*, but I do want to meet someone new and interesting. Someone who lives near me so it won't be hell to hang out!
I like my guy friends, I love them. BUT, I don't want to continue doing that..It's not like I'm trying to go through all of them, I'm not, I just can't help the way I feel..
And what I feel right now, is lousy enough to never go out into broad daylight again. So one of my exes, a good friend/brother type, IMPOSSIBLE kind of boy (he's not a guy, just a boy) is all pissed off at me because I don't do anything.
Here's my counteract:
1. I cannot drive, I'm 14.
2. My mother works ALL THE FUCKING TIME!
3. I have no money to do ANYTHING, which you need in this damn town to have any fun.
4. I'm pretty pissed at one or two of the people you want to hang with!!
5. When I'm with you, you confuse the living hell out of me, so therefore, sometimes I want nothing to do with you because you seem to think that if you snap your fingers, I'll jump you. WHICH I WON'T!!!
Some guys are so CONCEITED!!
OHMYGOD.
I just want a really nice, funny, caring, loving, kind of guy.
And not the kind that begs me to make out with him. Or the creepy kind.
Jeez.
Is it too hard to ask for a miracle?!?!
Because I am telling you one thing; If there was a really cute, great guy outside my door (who wasn't a creep, of course) I WOULD TOTALLY START LIVING LIFE AGAIN!!!
Now. With that said, I'm sure everyone knows how hard it is for me to spend every one of my waking moments alone.
Completely alone, and with no one but people I don't want to talk to calling.
Jess
Hello to all, my first blog on HERE!
Hello people.
Here are my things about myself and I hope you enjoy.
I will have better blogs later, right now I'm a tad bit busy.
1.I will try my best to use good grammar and stuff like that. I am a literate youth of America, but not corrupted.
2.Uhm, I do write poems, rants, and occasionally wishes, dreams, and hopes.
3. Please don't steal my work, if you want to use it, please ask and please don't take credit for my stuff.
I'd ask for permission the way that I would appreciate deeply and expect of you.
4.Respect is earned.
5. I don't judge. I love, not fight. I hug, not bite.
6. Love you all!
Jessi
(you can call me Jess)
Here are my things about myself and I hope you enjoy.
I will have better blogs later, right now I'm a tad bit busy.
1.I will try my best to use good grammar and stuff like that. I am a literate youth of America, but not corrupted.
2.Uhm, I do write poems, rants, and occasionally wishes, dreams, and hopes.
3. Please don't steal my work, if you want to use it, please ask and please don't take credit for my stuff.
I'd ask for permission the way that I would appreciate deeply and expect of you.
4.Respect is earned.
5. I don't judge. I love, not fight. I hug, not bite.
6. Love you all!
Jessi
(you can call me Jess)
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