When I looked outside that little square,
I saw the boy with the shaggy hair.
"Will it be, would he ever be mine?"
but the time came and it almost worked out,
but that little voice created my pout.
and I shivered when it was 70 degrees,
and in a room of people, I felt it was only me.
my life dragged on, and so did my mind.
and it felt to me, I was skipping time.
the things I saw were only blurs,
it was nothing more than a dead loves curse.
now I can lift my glass,
and sing a cheer,
for my time is done,
I'm through with fear.
it ruled my life,
my love, my thought.
and it was true,
love it was not.
but I guess thats how life is,
pushing you into something you wish,
but in the end, its time you'll miss.
------------------------------------------------------
[My Angel] January 6th, 2007
Angels fly,
angels sing,
angels cry,
with angel wings.
My angel didn't have wings.
My angel's halo was dim.
My angel had the eyes of wisdom.
My angel had the softest skin.
My angel knew that I was lost.
My angel knew that I was down.
My angel knew where to find me.
I was the one my angel found.
My angel's work was often secret.
My angel didn't leave a clue
My angel had to help me,
My angel knew what he had to do.
But then one day we were walking,
under the stars and we were talking,
about how I had been lifted,
and how amazingly my angel was gifted.
He said, "I think it's almost time for me to go"
and he stopped me before I could say, "No!"
He said, "I see that you are well,
The happiest so far that I could tell"
But I whispered such a soft reply,
"You cannot leave, you cannot fly.
I don't want for you to go,
cant you see, I need you so?"
He shook his head and said,
"I have to go, my place isn't here,
you can always visit,
it's very near."
and I realized just then,
that he was my cure;
I needed a friend,
and he was pure.
He looked at me, and I at him,
he had no wings, his halo was dim.
His clothes were scruffy,
and so was hair.
But because I loved him, I didn't care.
My angel loves me.
My angel loves the night.
My angel has no wings.
My angel cannot fly.
But my angel brought me into the sky.
My angel taught me,
no need for wings to fly.
He took me on a guided tour
and before I knew it,
I could soar.
I miss my angel,
he had to leave.
I see him sometimes,
above the trees.
My angel is my only love,
with the spirit of a soaring dove.
My angel doesn't mind
that he needs no wings
to explore the sky.
I search the sky,
My heart sings;
My angel flies,
without wings.
My friend.
My love.
My cure.
My Angel
---------------------------------------------
[Here I go again] January 11th, 2007
I'm off to a better start.
Things are going great.
But life at home still sucks.
And I have noticed I'm not quite as satisfied.
But I'm definitely happier.
But that's the nature of man, or woman in this case,
once you have something, you want more.
and the desire just don't stop.
And I get to thinking, remembering, hoping, wishing, longing;
It's not material.
It's emotional.
My friends, my love,
all create a never ending circumference of mixed feelings,
bittersweet like hearing an upbeat hardcore love song on the radio,
with the windows down and a summer breeze.
Sweet scents of freedom,
and the energy of a lion,
I'm running free,
nothings gonna get to me.
Jumping off an eight foot bank into an Alabama creek,
and it's scorching hot, the sun's beating down like magnified energy.
Your feet hit the water first, then you legs and your stomach *oh its cold!* and then your face is surging beneath an engulfing peacefulness.
And you drift for a minute, just letting the chill carry you into a state of selflessness.
The shock of it is crazy torture but after it, comes that sense of relief and happiness, and replenished light within your body.
I can do anything.
Climb back up, this time, I'll drop in wild like the animal within is roaring out of me,
And here I go again.
--------------------------------------------
[Web of Confusion] January 17th, 2007
there I sank, a chilling numb.
My mind stopped mid-thought,
and for a second my heart was caught.
Caught in this web of confusion, I was lost and dazed,
although my body was still, my heart was crazed.
Adrenaline rush.
Palpitation.
Word mush.
Humiliation.
Tangled was my thread of emotion,
and hell was this brain-freak potion.
Tingling nerves and non-stop chills,
and it's often true curiosity kills.
Snooping, peaking,tip-toeing,
through these corridors of the school of love,
trying out, burning out,tripping out
like a flight-sick dove.
Through this little pond,
and these wide, vast oceans,
we go from fish to fish,
and kiss to kiss.
Can't find that perfect one.
These questions of love and what not
flash through my brain
like subliminal messages
on the TV screen.
Snap back,
reality smack,
epiphic moment come and gone;
go home, write all night long.
-----------------------------------------------
[What kind of man?] January 25th, 2007
Why did he do it?
What a foolish man.
Why couldn't he take it?
What a weak man.
Why couldn't he have tried?
What a lazy man.
Why did he leave?
What a scared man.
Why didn't he fix it?
What a selfish man.
What was his flaw?
He wasn't a thinking,
believing,
attempting,
achieving,
kind
of
man.
What was his excuse?
He was just a man.
-------------------------------------------
[My shadow and I] January 25th, 2007
My shadow an I are friends.
She likes the light,
I prefer the dark.
She wants to live,
I want to die.
She lives by the sun and the moon,
I survive with my fork and my spoon.
She sees all good,
and sometimes I do,
I guess for being overlooked,
her hopes are what keeps her going.
Wish I was just like her...
But she comes and goes to others,
but for me she is always right behind me,
beside me,
in front of me,
and inside me.
I think she likes my conscience,
they agree a lot.
But no matter what I choose,
they don't judge me,
'cus they ARE me,
they are me, too.
Wish I could dodge the spotlight and hide out,
and for her that's all she can dream about,
is the light that she desires;
in this darkness, she is tired.
Both of these girls are me,
one is dark, one is light.
One must love, or maybe die.
All of these are all my friends and my enemies in my sad,happy, merry-go-round, ferris wheel of dreams and hopes.
And my despair of being alone,
in this crazy world,
and a broken home.
-----------------------------------------------
[If only] January 28th, 2007
Would you help to hold it?
If you only knew the secrets of my soul...
Would it matter, would you love me still?
If you knew the worries my heart stands still for...
Would you help to diminish them?
If you knew how I would feel if I lost you...
Would you stay for a little bit longer?
If you loved me for me...
Would it honestly matter?
If you knew that I chose you for you...
Would you tell me why you chose me?
If you knew the pain I felt...
Would you feel it with me?
If you saw me crying...
Would you cry with me?
If you knew the peace that I longed for...
Would you try to provide it?
If you knew my dreams and wishes...
Would you respect them?
If I told you I needed you...
Would you hold my hand?
If I just told you...
Would you understand?
-----------------------------------------------------
[Oh sweet star of mine, live.] February 10th, 2007
Oh sweet star of mine, I need the pain at any cost.
Oh sweet star of mine, I can't make it through the day...
To know that I am still alive, is the only way.
Oh sweet star of mine, why is this so hard?
Oh sweet star of mine, I have pulled out the wrong card.
I have chosen the wrong path and took the frightening risk...
But I must make it to the end, I'm yearning for that bliss...
Oh sweet star of mine, where did I go wrong?
Oh sweet star of mine, they knew it wouldn't be long...
If they knew, why didn't they give me a hint, a hand?
Did they think, because I'm young, I wouldn't understand?
Oh sweet star of mine.
Did I have to learn it the hard way,
and learn to make it right the next day?
It was bad to see them go....
and I guess it pays to let it show...
Oh sweet star of mine.
To have my cake and eat it to...
was something I wished that I could do.
I did get something out of this...
Make you cake and share it.
And sit down and wait for your well earned kiss.
Oh sweet star of mine.
Life can be generous and malicious to you.
You must listen and take the advice and make it true.
So even if the pain is terrible...
At least you know you are living.
And although it takes courage,
loving is a never-ending giving.
Take my calm, and take my peace.
Give me something to fight for.
Knowing I have a reason,
is more than enough to strive for.
Oh sweet star of mine,
Live.
--------------------------------------------------
[The ghosts of our pasts.] February 15th, 2007
Oh my past was deadly and dark,
and I rarely ventured out past the park.
Many had feared that I beared the mark,
and shut my ears to the glorious hark.
although I had to there, for a while.
For my friends and family would be aghast,
if they only knew the secrets of my past.
Many mistakes and deeds I hath done,
and almost regretted every single one.
There were many days I hadn't felt the light,
and only cried throughout the night.
I plastered on my shiny eyes,
and glossed my lips to your surprise.
I painted on that jolly blush,
and smiled only to keep the hush.
I wished I could rest my cheeks;
I smiled with no reason for many weeks.
I made sure no one had a single doubt,
and hoped no one would find me out.
I had to appear strong for the week,
I was the example for the meek.
I was the one who was in all glory;
no one knowing my memories were gory.
I wish I could hide away,
not be seen forever and a day.
I wanted to avert this false happiness,
and be left alone in my helplessness.
Just a day to prove they're wrong,
I can't go living like this for long.
I must let them see the true me,
even if it means a loss of believers of this made up glory.
Because I can't keep living in their made up story.
Many a times, I stood in the light,
but I felt the burns, and it smeared my sight.
I couldn't be held accountable,
though my actions were terrible.
I can't stand this sickening position,
being loved like a false image.
No one knows.
Or no one shows.
Could it be that they do see me?
And that maybe it just doesn't effect them...?
No, thats not it.
Their eyes, their eyes are clouded over.
They could care less.
They have their lives and just go along.
They go with what they know,
and they hate what they don't understand.
That would be me,
I'm strange and I'm different,
so they cover me up,
they tell lies.
They make me seem perfect,
so that no one will see my flaws.
Just not good enough for them.
I must escape their evil jaws.
Stealing out through the night,
I feel now that I have done what's best;
what's right.
My knapsack thrown over my shoulder,
heavy with my belongings and secrets,
like a boulder.
I don't mind, the pain's not bad,
the cold, the wind, the rain, the sad.
It's just another obstacle,
out from the tiny microscope,
and into the world.
It's bigger, it's scarier.
It's darker, it's deadlier.
But it's more appealing.
There is something comforting about it.
They're people like me.
Secrets and hatches,
mending and patches.
A place to start out new,
but not untrue.
It's colder, but it's home.
A darker, sweeter tone.
The land where I can be myself,
in a town where we accept ourselves.
It's worldly, it's ghouly,
but we care for each other,
truly.
We protect our neighbors,
We say hello to the strangers.
We all know everyone's past,
but we treasure the knowing,
like sand through the hourglass.
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